They are always changing The seasons, like the patterns of my speech The thoughts in my mind, the company that I keep But still, lingering, some things remain And I don’t know how that makes me feel And sometimes, I’m not quite sure what’s real Summer is the tracing of letters in the sand The way my scars trace across my chest The way I traced my fingers through the bag Looking for one last…. Breathe deep, fix myself But that’s not for me Summer is running barefoot through the trees Feeling the breeze as it blows by me Kites flying through the sky And knowing that I could be one of them Knowing that I can do anything Fall sweeps in with a crisp chill It brings different colors as the greens slowly fade The leaves climb down from their perches in the trees That comfortable familiar process It happens inside and all around me Tear down, rebuild Tear down, rebuild Tear down… And rebuild Fall is kids starting up classes Learning some life lessons Stepping out bravely into the unknown Transition, progression, momentum Winter sets in and a quiet settles on the town Settles on my heart with a certain stillness Shhhhh Hear the wind moving through the branches Watch them sway Moved by unseen hands that shaped this body This frail shell of a thing Winter is quiet walks in the snow Everything blanketed in white It is hot chocolate and fires in the hearth Warmth radiating from the center of my being My cup filling up in the silent sitting with you Spring bursts forth with the flowers It shouts and explodes with life and with birth A new thing begins to bloom in me And I forget the past At least for a while See sometimes I wonder what it is I did to them To all of them Some days I feel haunted by ghosts By the man I used to be Behind them, death seems to hover like shadows Shadows of things I only remember in dreams But it’s alright, and I’m alright, and everything is just fine Maybe I’ve said this before And maybe I’ll say it again, and maybe… Maybe they’ll understand this time These things, they come and they go They ebb and flow like the tides Like the ocean of your love washing over me Washing me clean There’s a rhythm to it, like the hills and the valleys I scream it from the rooftops, “Chin up kid, your pain is fleeting!” And for a moment, I could swear they believed me… Spring is a train bound for nobody knows And maybe that’s why I hop on board Because these moments have meaning And this heart is still beating And I know I’m receiving…. Something Something beautiful

I love the smell of rain on the pavement Almost as much as I love fresh cut grass It takes me back to simpler times Reminds me of chasing waves on the beach Listening to Papa's stories on his lap The lingering scent of his pipe making me feel safe When I was still clothed in innocence And knew that I could fly Well, before that disagreement with the windowsill The only pain I knew was scraped knees and splinters Where death was just a word And my cool whip helmet blocked all the world could throw at me I always wonder what moment that changed Was it the neighbors, with their needles behind a door I found unlocked? The way they shifted from protectors to aggressors? Or did it happen slowly? Like a summer breeze teasing at the curtains enough that I could glance outside The answer still eludes me, maybe always will What I do know is that people hurt That they freeze, they starve, they suffer More than a few cry alone at night I can't fix what's been broken But I have two hands to hold you tight I've got two ears that will listen to your stories And my heart beats again for every one of you who has struggled The way that I have struggled The way we all do And maybe, if we lift each other up If we drink from the same cup We'll build something better than these two tired eyes have seen

She's got a way with words Leaving me still tongue tied and terrified I'm sweating bullets beneath this fabric Praying she doesn't notice I'm still helpless to pull the trigger I want so badly to kiss her She is my muse My Aphrodite, she is beauty She is the beginning of a thousand poems The end of a million songs Sometimes she touches me gently Other days she lays me open, deeper than a scalpel But it all comes around to the same thing My heart spilling out of my chest, for the world to see She is joyful singing And there are moments where she is pain Pain I thought I'd locked far away She is that spark that sets my passion blazing And when she burns, there's no hope of stopping her She is the music every raindrop beats out in my head The warmth in a lonely bed She is everything to me, and nothing at all Because I can't hold her in my arms I can't make her stay when I'm afraid She is inspiration And I throw her on like a t-shirt Wearing her around as I please She has no name She is simply these lines inside of me

I am a painting Splotches of color on canvas that all blend together to mean something At least, I hope it does But there are days it feels like I'm putting together a puzzle, wearing a blindfold Sometimes I'm the captain of a sinking ship Taking the crew down with me So I put it all on paper Begging for you to look at me Shouting "SEE ME AS I AM!" Because the ink keeps me honest It works like a safety net When I step up to the mic Take my words as your scalpel Strip me bare Lay me open and remove my fear It eats like a cancer Consuming every single part of me It's crippling, and I can't move I can barely breathe I need you, like the flower needs the bee Your love is an ambulance It's bright and it's loud And it's all that's left to save me So grab a paddle Take my hand Come on and row me out to sea

I need you to know that I've always cared Despite all the times we were throwing rocks instead of pillows Every fight we could've spent building forts Every shouted word that I should've spoken gently And that time I threw you down the stairs I never meant to hurt you, I just took it all too far Please believe thaI cherish every moment we have ever shared I wish that I'd given you more hugs than bruises And I miss way we threw our swimsuits on and danced in the rain Remembering trips to the lake, and camping at the beach I need to say I'm sorry That I'm not always there to hold your hand and brush your hair I'm just so... I'm just so scared! I don't know what this disease might do! I want to scream! None of this is fair! I watch as you fight it And I can't catch my breath If it decides to kill you Please... Please let it take me too Because I'm just one part of a pair Maybe I'm not the best brother But know that I cry for you, that I would fight and die for you If I could, I'd take this burden from your shoulders Bear the weight you carry every day Stop the seizures when you can barely slow things down Set you free from all those damn IV's In all the midst of all your pain, one thing remains the same I will always love you Until my heart stops beating, and forever after

I n t e r l u d e

My poems are filled with pain Sometimes it screams in your face, and sometimes it just whispers from the corners of the page Hinting at the darker times in my "coming of age" I like to think it's because gold is best refined in the fires And my dad tells me I'm worth more than all of it He says it in the way he hugs me when I come home In the way he says he loves me as we're getting off the phone Like we're not strangers anymore, the choice that was always mine And mom I'm sorry for all the distance! Though it's not the miles that have kept us apart I started setting fires on that bridge long before I moved away I wonder if these adventures are my way of running Trying to create space between the echoes of things I wished I'd never done (or failed to do) It's cold out here, the way my heart gets before turning back to fire They say you can't play with either and escape unburned, and I suppose that's true Every time it hurts and I keep hoping that the skin grows over tougher Praying my soul doesn't do the same It's hard not to fear being consumed I know I'm afraid of both sides of that coin If I refuse to move the cold will break me And if I don't, the fire might take and erase me I'm not sure I'm ready to be made new, to struggle and rise from ashes I'm as bitter as every drink I take to dull the ache in my chest They say ignorance is bliss, but nobody tells you that it's held in a closed fist Open hands come with open eyes, and I think that makes joy easier to find Maybe it'll work that way for me, if I just let go I used to lay down and try to sleep next to headstones Thinking maybe I could sink through the ground and reach their bones That maybe that would bring us together again. I could never find a way to let the dead bury their own The ones I've missed, the ones who missed me when they were here Because I was always somewhere else in my mind, I couldn't live in the moment I was dying with each one that passed by But I've learned how to capture them with time And for all that time I've stayed away from dentists Not out of that childhood fear of pain, I know it's there Hiding in these words behind my teeth I'm only afraid that when they're found, I might be exposed by a stranger Still, I feel it getting easier every day And come what may, it's been one hell of a ride I am growing, as slowly as the trees I miss back home I guess only time will tell When the silence doesn't haunt me When my mind stops its spinning Every word I put to paper is one more step to find myself And when words have failed, I'll step out on the floor to dance My soul screaming "I'm still here!"